Last night I finally got around to seeing the Fantastic Four. It was a waste of time and money.

I’ll admit right off the bat that I’ve never been a big fan of the Fantastic Four comics. It’s not that I have anything against them, I just never got in to them the same as I did Spiderman and X-Men. However I did not approach this movie with a bias or prejudiced attitude. I wanted to give it a chance, but it failed me miserably. It clobbered my expectations in a very very bad way.

I am rarely bored in a movie theater. In fact I love going to see the latest blockbuster. This however was not one of those occasions. I was so bored that I nearly fell asleep.

Too much talk, not enough action

I’m a big fan of slow paced movies (such as Eraserhead and Signs) however I’m not a fan of slow paced movies that are based off of fast paced comic books. Spending nearly two hours of watching people adjust to super bowers is BORING! The fight scene at the end with Dr. Doom seemed to last for about ten minutes at the most.

Ioan Gruffudd

This is the guy who plays Reed Richards AKA Mr. Fantastic. Bad choice! Besides the fact that he looks too young and had minimal white in his side burns, he’s a horrible actor!

Ioan Gruffudd / Jessica Alba love affair

Reed Richards and Sue Storm look good together in the comics. Jessica Alba and Ioan Gruffudd look ridiculous. Seeing Ioan Gruffudd kiss Jessica Alba is like seeing Bob Saget kiss, well, Jessica Alba! It would never happen. Not by any stretch of the imagination (ok enough with the bad puns).

The Thing

The makeup job / computer generated animation or whatever on the Thing had it’s moments, but for the most part it looked like a guy in a foam rubber costume.

Mr. Fantastic’s abilities

Was this a low budget film? Could they not afford CGI? Mr. Fantastic’s stretchy arms look like they were hand drawn by a South Park animator.

Jessica Alba

No complaints… except that she looks like she’s 21 and is trying to hook up with Ioan Gruffudd. Gross!

The following is not a complaint about the movie, but a recount of my experience:

My wife was out of town so I decided to catch the late show with a friend of mine. We went to a 9:30pm showing, and when we walked in to the theater at 9:15, it was empty. That’s a bad sign. I tried to talk him in to returning the tickets, buying a pint of whiskey and going back to my house to watch some cartoons instead, but he insisted on staying.

After five minutes or so the theater started filling up… with about ten more people. Those people included one old man with, I’m guessing, his grandson and his grandson’s friend, both of whom were around six years old. Out of the entire empty huge theater, where would this small group decide to sit? In front of me, of course.

I hate people who talk loudly during a movie. I also hate little kids. So when little kids talk during a movie I hate them twice. These particular little kids talked a whole lot. Why didn’t I just move? Because the guy I was with didn’t want to. Why didn’t I say something to the old guy? Because he was old and wouldn’t have heard me.

As the movie progressed and got more and more boring, the kids starting standing up to watch it. Then they starting pulling the seats of the chairs next to them down and slamming them back up. Then they starting slamming themselves in to the backs of their chairs and subsequently in to my knees. That was the last straw. I kick the back of the nearest one’s chair pretty hard. The old guy jumped and started yelling at them. I successfully scared the crap out of the kids and got them in trouble. Mission accomplished.

However my victory was a small one, as moments later a baby in the back of the theater started crying. Who takes a baby to a late movie? Who takes 2 six year olds to a late movie? What creepy old man isn’t sleeping by 6pm? We should have just left and bought the pint of whiskey.